Not Yet

I’m not ready for another child. Not yet. Nadia is only seven months old and I don’t want to miss anything yet again because I’m pregnant with another child. She had been such a good baby, sleeping until six am in the morning and cried for her milk and continues sleeping. Sometimes she’s asleep until we arrived at her nanny’s house. She’s been very good and I don’t want to spoil anything.

So, when I missed my period last two weeks, I was worried like mad. Everytime Gen and I discussed about it, we will be very tense. It’s not that we don’t want another child; we are not ready for another child. Actually both Gen and I, we have a secret pact. Gen promised that he will not go on any 4×4 expeditions until 30th June, 2010, and for that period I promised to be a very good, dutiful wife who will not shout at him. Yes, I know, I’m a bad wife. Please don’t judge me.

He can go to those expeditions but he just cannot sleepover, meaning he can only be around Kuantan area or Gambang or Kemaman to test his driving skill, but not anywhere further than that.

So, if I’m pregnant again then, we have to secure another pact, another prolonged term. Actually it hurts me so much to put up all this restrictions on him because it is his only way of dealing and coping with his workload and stress and my tantrums as well. Oh, crap!

A few friends suggested letting the baby go (as if I had a baby at the first instance), but that will make me a (mommy) monster. Exactly like that one person who I detest so much. I will not eat up a pineapple, drink coke with panadols or drink fresh sugarcane or coconut milk for that purpose.

So, one week late, on last Monday we bought a pregnancy test kit, no, I’m not pregnant. We got less tense, but still tense. Why la!??

Then, two weeks late, I planned to buy the pregnancy test kit again on Monday (today), but I got my period. Period.

I don’t know why, suddenly I felt lost and a bit guilty. I don’t want the baby at the first place but maybe somewhere deep inside me, I already accepted his existence.

Why did I felt this way when he’s not even with me?