I have been thinking about him a lot lately. Gen bumped into him a few weeks back in Pekan. His whole family was there. There was Inka, his beautiful wife. Gen got to meet their son and daughter plus Arm’s in-laws, Inka’s parents. They were attending Blue’s wedding. Apparently Blue did not invite us. Me and Gen.
Inka and Blue has been dating seriously back in Shah. While Arm and Blue were best friends. I had this huge crush on Arm since Form 4 and even Gen knew about it. Somehow after school, I manage to get close to Arm, and of course Blue and Inka as well because they were always together.
Then there were college. Arm and Inka went to a same college. I was offered an A-Level course which I accepted happily while Blue went to a matrix. We were all offered scholarship so we cannot just swapped places as we pleased. We still went out together, the four of us. We have late night bus trips to-fro Kuantan for holidays and I wrote letters to Arm. The usual, I like him but I cannot tell him that I like him but maybe I can make him tell me that he like me kind of stuff. LOL. Pretty shallow stuff. Our relationship is more like erm… imagine me holding a tiny daffodil or a love-me-nots flower in hand, I am going… “loves me… loves me not… loves me… loves me not… loves me… loves me not”.
Actually, the more I think about it the more I am convinced that Arm never really like me. Maybe he was amused by me, no less. However, Gen did read through Arm’s letter (he said I did not hide it or put it somewhere safe if I don’t want him to read it, duh) and he thought Arm genuinely likes me and stuff like that so then; he always refers Arm as my ex.
After a while, Blue was kicked out of the matrix. He was having a hard time or maybe he was just being a duckhead, truthfully some things never change. Blue stops hanging out with us. Slowly Arm’s letters and late night calls stop coming in as well. Imagine me holding that daffodil again. Somehow once he call or write again, I will always leap on my feet and put my hopes up high again. Until…
Until I bumped into Inka in the doorway of my hostel. It was the end of the semester. She comes with Arm (Arm waited outside but I didn't bother to see him) to take Arm’s younger sister and her stuff back to Kuantan (She’s my junior and they have to clear their room for the year-end semester break and we do talk to each other and once she told me that she don’t like Inka because she always hang out at their house and I am secretly pleased-my bad).
It was not a pleasant conversation with Inka and I cannot recall her or my exact word. It was a few days before the A-Level exam and I was really upset. I went to Joy’s room and cried my heart out. It was something like, Inka knew about our letters but she is with Arm now and I should keep my hand off her guy or something like that. How should I feel? Arm ditched both me and Blue and starts going out with his best friend’s girlfriend! The truth is, they deserve each other.
Inka and Blue has been dating seriously back in Shah. While Arm and Blue were best friends. I had this huge crush on Arm since Form 4 and even Gen knew about it. Somehow after school, I manage to get close to Arm, and of course Blue and Inka as well because they were always together.
Then there were college. Arm and Inka went to a same college. I was offered an A-Level course which I accepted happily while Blue went to a matrix. We were all offered scholarship so we cannot just swapped places as we pleased. We still went out together, the four of us. We have late night bus trips to-fro Kuantan for holidays and I wrote letters to Arm. The usual, I like him but I cannot tell him that I like him but maybe I can make him tell me that he like me kind of stuff. LOL. Pretty shallow stuff. Our relationship is more like erm… imagine me holding a tiny daffodil or a love-me-nots flower in hand, I am going… “loves me… loves me not… loves me… loves me not… loves me… loves me not”.
Actually, the more I think about it the more I am convinced that Arm never really like me. Maybe he was amused by me, no less. However, Gen did read through Arm’s letter (he said I did not hide it or put it somewhere safe if I don’t want him to read it, duh) and he thought Arm genuinely likes me and stuff like that so then; he always refers Arm as my ex.
After a while, Blue was kicked out of the matrix. He was having a hard time or maybe he was just being a duckhead, truthfully some things never change. Blue stops hanging out with us. Slowly Arm’s letters and late night calls stop coming in as well. Imagine me holding that daffodil again. Somehow once he call or write again, I will always leap on my feet and put my hopes up high again. Until…
Until I bumped into Inka in the doorway of my hostel. It was the end of the semester. She comes with Arm (Arm waited outside but I didn't bother to see him) to take Arm’s younger sister and her stuff back to Kuantan (She’s my junior and they have to clear their room for the year-end semester break and we do talk to each other and once she told me that she don’t like Inka because she always hang out at their house and I am secretly pleased-my bad).
It was not a pleasant conversation with Inka and I cannot recall her or my exact word. It was a few days before the A-Level exam and I was really upset. I went to Joy’s room and cried my heart out. It was something like, Inka knew about our letters but she is with Arm now and I should keep my hand off her guy or something like that. How should I feel? Arm ditched both me and Blue and starts going out with his best friend’s girlfriend! The truth is, they deserve each other.
Though I don’t want to know about them, friends keep me posted about them. I know that Arm furthered his studies overseas and Inka ditched college to follow him there. They were married in 2004. Now Gen is telling me that they are both working at the same place. I figure out that it would not be hard to anticipate that. We had our life sorted out and we were just not meant for each other.
Okay, when I said sorted out, I mean the story did not end there. I was crying in Joy’s room and she ran out of words to console me and she was really worried because we will have our big exam in a few days time. Her boyfriend (now hubby), Neil was Gen’s unimates. So, I’m not shocked when Gen come to visit me the next day.
I was still sulking but I went out with him because I was really starving. We went to the famous maple and talk. We have been hanging out together with some other friends and he knows that I liked Arm but he was cool with being my friend. His exact words to me were, ‘tak pe lah kalau (Arm) tak nak. Nih, aku ni, aku nak…’ At that moment I cannot believe he said that to me. After the heart-wrenching incident, the last thing that I would want is to embark on another relationship, a rebound. I thought he was joking but he was dead serious. He said he really liked me and he kept his mouth shut because he knew I liked Arm so much.
Well, I’m not done sulking, yet. He’s an inconsiderate guy! I felt like snapping at him. But, I cannot actually tell him off because I might loose a very good friend. I ask him to give me some time and I’m not ready yet, yada-yada stuff. Gen was very patience. Eventually I accepted him because it was easy to love him.
But today, while writing this, I’m thinking, it must be really hard for Gen if he really likes me when I keep talking on and on about Arm. Gen is a considerate guy after all. Maybe he blurted it out to make me feel better or seeing an ‘open space’ he cannot keep it as a secret anymore. Gosh, this really is a long entry.
Okay, other that the fact that Gen bumped into him, the reason that I write this all down is because our friend posted Gen’s old pic in FB. It was back in Shah when I had nada feelings for him. When I look at the pic closely, I was really shocked to discover that it was Arm standing at the back (the one in white shirt). Hehe. Clearly Gen was far more handsome than Arm back then. Well, life really works in a mysterious way.
And Gen, I really love you for all the above and much more. You are my incosiderately-considerate-whatever guy. Happy Five Years together.
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