Company Policies

To: All Staff
Effective January 2008

Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If wesee you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doingwell financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so thatyou may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and thereforeyou do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If youare able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday& Sunday.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deadfriends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company noticeboard under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so tha tthey can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed todrink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer ofchoice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.